This pregnancy has been a roller coaster of emotions. It's been filled with doubt, hope, prayer, and, in the end, brokenness. I'm now a member of the club that no woman wants to be a part of. I wasn't even sure that I was going to share this part of my life so publicly. It's so personal. It's so raw. It's wearing my heart thin.
In the end, I've decided to share because I want to be authentic. I want to offer hope to anyone else out there suffering through a similar situation. I want God to take my pain and use it for his glory. I want to bring hope into devastation.
I've always known that a lot of women experience a miscarriage at some point in their lifetime. I've actually always assumed that I would have one at some point. Statistically, I've read that 1 in 4 women will have one. Personally, I feel like the number is actually much higher. It has always seemed to me that it's more like half. Early miscarriage like what I've experienced is usually attributed to some chromosomal problem with either the sperm or the egg. It's not likely to happen again, but it can. It's not something that can be prevented. It's also not something that either of us caused through external factors like alcohol, coffee, or an activity. These early pregnancy losses just seem to happen.
Knowing these things may or may not provide comfort. I think I'm comforted a little by knowing that it's not just me. I'm not some sort of freak. My mom has had one, most of her friends experienced one, and I've realized from working in labor and delivery and seeing many different women's medical histories that it's common. I'm not a failure. This kind of thing just happens.
I'm currently sitting at home waiting on my miscarriage to complete itself. I started medicine called cytotec yesterday to try and induce the miscarriage. If it doesn't work then I am scheduled for a D&C first thing Wednesday morning. I'm hoping to avoid surgery if I can. So far, the medicine doesn't seem to be doing much. I've had a few cramps but nothing bad. I've been bleeding some but it's not like what I was told to expect.
I've found myself reading a lot of Scripture in my spare time as I wait. This one section from Isaiah (where my life verse can also be found) really stood out to me.
"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion- to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified." Isaiah 61:1-3
In many ways, I feel like I'm somewhat callous about what is taking place. It wasn't uncommon for me preface a statement with, "If this baby sticks then..." I also have been jokingly referring to this baby as "Don Julio" ever since I found out we were pregnant. I'll let you figure out the reason why... Anyway... My point is that I've walked a fine line throughout this whole pregnancy. I know what can go wrong and so I fight the urge to get attached early on. It's a protective wall that I put up. However, there are holes in it. Deep down, once I found out about this baby, I wanted it. Now, I have to wade my way through the mess back to hoping and trusting.
I'm going to be okay. I refuse to give in to despair. I'm going to continue to hope and claim Christ. I find great comfort in knowing the outcome of it all- I know that God wins. Because of Jesus Christ, we have victory. There will come a day when there will be no more tears or mourning. Sin will exist no more. All broken things will be restored. God wins.