Well, this pregnancy has been one heck of a roller coaster ride. I couldn't even bring myself to write weekly posts because of all the questions and doubt in the back of my mind. While I wanted to hang on to hope that everything was tracking along like a normal pregnancy should, I just couldn't sit and write about what this baby might be doing inside of my body. Long story short, I didn't want to write it because I knew deep down that something was wrong. I didn't want to set myself up for more heartbreak. I feel like I can best explain this by making out a timeline of everything that has taken place.
November 22, 2013- LMP
December 9, 2013- Oops (birth control mishap). Woke up the morning of the 10th and told Patrick we might have accidentally made a baby.
December 31, 2013- Positive pregnancy test.
Once is really all it takes. Feeling like fertile myrtle. Completely shocked and nervous about two babies under the age of two. Went ahead and told a few close friends about the pregnancy, which is completely opposite of what I did when I found out I was pregnant the first time. Also, I got really really sick later this week with a terrible cough that brought up nasty stuff from my lungs. The chest tightness and pain was almost more than I could take at times. I was so sick. All the medicine had me worried about the baby.
January 10, 2014- (7 weeks by LMP) first trans-vaginal ultrasound showing a gestational sac, yolk sac, but no baby. Estimated to be 5 weeks and 4 days but not given a definite due date because there wasn't a baby yet. Immediately had a bad feeling about this pregnancy. I just couldn't make the dates work. I was told to come back in a couple weeks and to cancel my first doctor appointment that was scheduled for that Monday. The scheduling people said I couldn't be seen until February 13th for my next ultrasound and first doctor appointment. Kind of shocked that they were okay with me waiting that long but felt like I had no choice.
January 13, 2014- (7w3d by LMP) Called the nurse that works with my doctor to discuss my concerns and request blood work. She also went ahead and scheduled an ultrasound for January 21st.
January 14, 2014- (7w4d by LMP) Hcg level drawn
January 15, 2014- (7w5d by LMP) results were 21,000 meaning I was likely in my 6th week of pregnancy. The nurse told me that at that high of a level, a baby should have been seen on the first ultrasound. Told the nurse that the dates didn't match up. Explained that I was pretty certain of conception. She asked what I would want done if this is a miscarriage (cytotec vs D&C). Now I was really expecting that this was a miscarriage. Told that I would receive a call later that day telling me what my doctor wanted done next. I fully expected another lab draw 48 hours after the first to see if the numbers were doubling or not.
January 16th, 2014- (7w6d by LMP) Never got a phone call but decided I would just wait for that next ultrasound for confirmation of miscarriage. Still no pregnancy symptoms.
January 21, 2014- (8w4d by LMP) Walked in to see that the tech was set up for a vaginal ultrasound. I figured this meant that they thought it was a miscarriage too. We could see Owen with abdominal ultrasound at 6 weeks with no problems. The second trans-vaginal ultrasound showed a gestational sac, yolk sac, and what I assumed was nothing. Surprised to hear that the tech found a fetal pole with a heartbeat. It didn't look right to me. I kept asking, "You are sure it's not a blighted ovum?" I couldn't actually see the heartbeat but she said it was there. Estimated to be 6 weeks and 0 days. Now the dates really weren't adding up. Told the tech that it didn't make any sense. Given a due date of Sept 16, 2014. Feel kind of uneasy that these dates don't match up and still not having a single pregnancy symptom- only spotting every other day. The technician asked if I was still scheduled for another ultrasound. I told her I was and she said that was good because I would need another ultrasound at my next appointment. I thought that was really odd and wondered how they were going to bill me for all of these scans.
January 26, 2014- (9w2d by LMP but 6w5d by early ultrasound) Abdominal ultrasound at work. Able to find gestational sac but nothing else.
February 7, 2014- (11w0d by LMP but 8w3d by early ultrasound) Abdominal ultrasound at work. Gestational sac with nothing else visualized. Pretty certain that this is a miscarriage but hoping that maybe my uterus is just tilted too far backwards.
February 8, 2014- (11w1d by LMP or 8w4d by early ultrasound) abdominal ultrasound at work. Full bladder this time and a friend trying to help with the ultrasound. Gestational sac found measuring 8 weeks and 2 days. Really difficult to see anything else. I'm now convinced that it is a miscarriage.
Now get ready.... The next event on my timeline was a long day.
February 13th, 2014- (11w6d by LMP or 9w2d by early ultrasound) I was ready to have this day over with. I couldn't even eat lunch due to my nerves. I wasn't sure how I was going to take the official news that our baby was gone.
Patrick, Owen and I arrived at 12:45 for my 1:00 appointment. About 15 minutes after signing in I was told that both my ultrasound and my appointment were cancelled. Apparently they had called my old number. I stood there feeling like my body was going numb. I felt helpless and completely at the mercy of all these people who keep changing my appointments. At this point, I'm seriously considering going to a different doctor because there is too much red tape to get through to see my own doctor.
The secretary began the process of rescheduling me for February 24th. Then she told me that I was not going to be getting another ultrasound because I had already had two. I had been wondering how they were going to justify a third one and now I began to wonder if anybody was ever going to care enough to listen to me. I was ready to go home. If it hadn't been for Patrick, I would have left. He was my knight in shining armor. He stepped up to the desk and respectfully requested that I be seen by another doctor. I stood behind him trying to fight back my tears.
As we sat waiting for them to check with the other doctors' schedules, I started to cry. I remember saying, "I feel like nobody cares and they just keep shuffling me around." I managed to pull it together and then my doctor's nurse came out to tell me that they were working on getting someone to see me. I hated that we were being somewhat demanding, but I hated how this whole thing was unfolding even more. I was ready for someone to tell me what I already knew- that my baby was gone.
About an hour later we were taken to a room. The doctor I saw was absolutely wonderful and I really felt like she listened to me. She sat there reading my last ultrasound report. I told her that I understand that you can't just do ultrasounds because people want them. I even told her that I realize I'm not trained on how to perform ultrasounds. All I could tell her was what I knew to be true. 1) My dates didn't match up and I am regular with my cycles. 2) I have no pregnancy symptoms. 3) I've been spotting a lot but understand that can be normal. 4) I didn't see the heartbeat that the tech was talking about. 5) I've been able to scan myself at work and it's just an empty gestational sac.
After she heard everything she decided to use vaginal bleeding as justification for another ultrasound. Then she completed an assessment on me including a pelvic exam. I then had to sign papers with the nurse about what testing I did and didn't want on this baby. I declined everything because I knew there wasn't going to be any need. They told me that there was going to be a little wait before I could get the ultrasound. They had me go ahead and have my routine labs drawn while we waited.
After waiting for what felt like maybe another hour, we were called back for ultrasound. The tech started with the abdominal and commented on my retroverted uterus. Then we started with the transvaginal. I knew immediately that there was nothing there. The tech didn't talk. She finished, turned off the machine, told me I could get dressed, and that she would get the doctor to come talk to us. Patrick and I knew what this meant.
Even now, it's hard for me to put into words everything that I was feeling. Mostly, I wanted to leave. I was starving because I hadn't eaten since breakfast. Owen had missed his afternoon nap and was getting fussy. I couldn't blame him. Patrick had been my amazing support, but I could tell that he was getting tired too. It was 4:45 when we finally made it to our car to go home. It was a long day, but it was over with. I now had someone else tell me what I already knew- our baby passed away sometime around the 6 week mark. We can now begin the process of loss and healing.
There is more to this story but I'm going to stop here. I will probably share the rest later when it is all over and I've had time to process it all.