Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Our big little announcement

Many people have been suspecting it (or at least anticipating it). Now let's make it official. Patrick and I will be welcoming our firstborn into the world sometime in December! At this point we have told our family, friends, coworkers, and everyone we could possibly think of about our news. I guess now it is time for me to make it official on this little blog.

Note: This post was written in April! This is all part of my secret pregnancy journal that I've been keeping so that I will remember it all.

April 4th, 2012

It feels really odd to be writing a post that I know I won't publish for at least 2 more months. However, it feels good to be writing and putting my thoughts in order. I want to document this whole miraculous process not only so that you can share in the experience with me but also because I want to be able to look back over it. Now, I'm going to type the words for the first time....

 I'M PREGNANT!!!

That felt good to get off my chest! I haven't even told Patrick yet. I haven't uttered the words to a soul. Honestly, I haven't even told Hurley even though I'm pretty sure he could keep his mouth shut about the news. Obviously, I'll tell Patrick about our little one later tonight and I'm sure there will be a post about how I told him later. For now, I just want to dwell on what is taking place. It really is a miracle. 

As many of you probably know, I am a nurse and not just any type of nurse- a labor and delivery nurse. I get to help women bring babies into the world on a regular basis. It's awesome. While I've cared for women throughout various stages of pregnancy, I can honestly tell you that I'm not any more prepared for this than the next lady. I still freaked out when I saw those two pink lines this afternoon. I said a bad word (just from shock), I cried tears of joy, I paced back and forth, I danced like a fool, cried a little more, prayed, prayed some more, and took way too many pictures of that pee stick. Everything made a lot more sense though- once I had that positive test.

So, here we go. Some of you may find the following to be TMI. You don't have to read it. If you don't want to read about last menstrual periods, home pregnancy tests, early pregnancy symptoms, and so forth, then just stop reading now. Like I said before, I am a labor and delivery nurse so this stuff is what I do and I love it. Okay, disclaimer over.... 

The details.... 

Patrick and I have been discussing when to have children for at little over a year now. "Trying to conceive" has been one of those things that we would set a date for and then when the date to start "trying" was upon us we would change our minds and set a new date. In October we finally realized that we would never really be ready. I think we were waiting for the stars to align or a voice from heaven (not really, but you get what I mean). I think we realized that there is never a "good" time to turn your life upside down and backwards with children and that we will never have what seems to be enough money to raise said children. So in October of 2011 we ditched the birth control- sort of. What I mean is, I went off the pill. However, I wanted to have a few regular cycles before trying so we did that until December. 

I didn't expect to get pregnant right away. I would say that my background in medicine gave me realistic expectations. I knew that each month there was only a 20% chance of getting pregnant. I didn't freak out and start taking tons of tests. I actually waited very patiently those first two months. I was like clockwork (every 32 days). My first pregnancy test since going off the pill was taken March 27th (Patrick's birthday). I thought it would be a really cool thing (if I was pregnant) to be able to tell Patrick on his birthday. My plan didn't work. It was negative. I knew I took the test WAY too early but I confess that I did it anyway.

My negative test. Yes, I have a picture.

It is odd to me that I took a picture of a negative test. It's like subconsciously I knew. I mean, I've taken a negative pregnancy test before back when I was on the pill but I didn't take a picture of it. Something in me made me snap the pic though.

Fast forward a few days. Due to when my LMP (3/2/12) was, I knew to expect aunt flow on April 3rd. I felt really crampy the two days prior to that and even woke up the day of the third sure that I was about to start. I worked all day feeling really crummy, but nothing came. My legs felt achy all day, I cramped off and on, and my back hurt all day long. One of my coworkers even said, "Well, maybe you're pregnant." However, all of the symptoms I was having are things that I feel anyway so I was convinced otherwise. I was still feeling stupid about wasting money on the other test and wasn't about to do that again. It was also my fourth 12 hour shift in a row and so I didn't expect to feel fantastic anyway.

When I got home that night I was in a pretty bad mood. Patrick had cooked dinner. We sat and talked about our day and I vented some of my frustrations. I told him that I was realizing that I was kind of expecting us to get pregnant that month and that I was frustrated that it didn't work out (he didn't yet know about my negative test and I wasn't planning on ever telling him). I told him that I was frustrated that we were going to be having a baby in 2013 and that if we got pregnant next month we would be due around our anniversary. Looking back, I have no idea why these things were bothering me. I do have a weird thing about even numbers (I like them), but really? I was just hormonal I guess.

I went to bed cramping that night fully expecting to see my monthly friend in the morning. I even spent some time praying and confessing my sinful heart. I prayed that God would help me to be patient and wait on his perfect timing. It didn't happen though. I woke up that morning and there was nothing. I had to go in to work for a meeting but I left the house sure that my monthly visitor was coming because I was cramping. Before leaving work I was talking with my friend at work who had just found out that she was expecting and knew that Patrick and I weren't preventing. She pulled me aside and said, "So, did you start?" I laughed and said, "No, but I will." She got me thinking though. I was now officially "late." Also, she had unknowingly given me a reason to doubt. She apparently took a pregnancy test the exact same day that I did (March 27th) and her test was also negative. However, she now knew that she was indeed pregnant. Maybe I was giving that negative too much credit. I had been cramping really bad and if my body was going to start I was beginning to think that it would have by now. I needed to take another test.

On the way home from my work meeting I bought two tests because it was on sale and actually cheaper than buying one. I remember thinking that it was good because it meant that I could go ahead and waste this one and still have one on hand in case we had better luck next time. My plan was to test on Thursday. However, as soon as I got home and Patrick left, I realized that I couldn't wait. I wanted to get the second negative test out of the way so that I could quit thinking about it. I started drinking water like crazy and then cleaned the bedroom to distract myself. As soon as I thought I might be able to go I tested. We have a window next to our toilet so I placed the test up there once I capped it and by the time I stood up off the toilet I saw two pink lines. It was quick and there was no mistaking them either.

My first positive pregnancy test!
I'm ashamed to say that the first word out of my mouth wasn't the best one. It was a knee jerk reaction I guess. I'm pretty sure I was then stunned into this silence I-may-never-breathe-again kind of state. Then I cried and laughed all at the same time. I grabbed my phone to call Patrick and then thought better of it. I needed to see his face when I told him. I then sat for a while and starred at that test some more. I know I paced around the room at one point praying and then I'm pretty sure I went back to the bathroom to make sure I was reading that thing right. Had one of the lines disappeared? When I realized there were still two lines I danced up and down. Then I didn't know what to do. It was like the world was never going to be the same again.

It still doesn't feel real. Eventually, I started to feel connected to my body again and realized that I had to run a few more errands that day. So I calmed myself down and sent a text message. I text messaged my friend from work and told her that I started which is probably the biggest lie I've ever told. I figured it would be easier than trying to lie to her face when she saw me next. I was just not ready for the world to know. As I was driving in the car later that day I found myself thanking the Lord and praying for our little blessing. I guess a mothers prayers start early!


1 comment:

  1. this is so exciting! Congrats to you and your husband. :)

    ReplyDelete